Cinemanauts Log 6
Good evening friends! Sorry for the late update, it’s been a busy day in insomniakid land. I bring you a slightly lower key but still just as amusing Cinemanauts update!
*
Movie: The Wraith (1986), 92 mins
Participants: @BadServo, @MrArcys, @JustChristine, @Jonnyace, @No_Request, @Luneowl, @theinsomniakid, plus appearances by @katintheboots and @patrickcentral (who was away in Vegas and making us all very jealous).
*
Memorable Out of Context Quotes, Attributed as Best Remembered:
@BadServo:
“How it’s Made is the name of my candy Kama Sutra.”
“NOBODY expects the lollipop inquisition!”
“It’s like a circle jerk, it’s a bunch of men trying not to make eye contact.” - in reference to poker
“Once they send Hans over to the wall of keyboards, you know what time it is.”
“He’s survived, but he’s gone serious goth.”
“He bleeds KoolAid! That’s unfortunate!”
“Dan, your mission the next time you get with a woman is to call it ‘The Zord’.”
*
@MrArcys:
“This is the laaand of a thousand di-icks!” - (sung)
“Wanna suck my chest hair?”
“It’s the Stig! But in Batman Armor!”
“Don’t make me get the Pasquini.”
*
@katintheboots:
“It’s not gay if you’re underway!”
*
@JustChristine:
“It’s an alien Buddha, I don’t care.”
“The finish line is when the first person dies.”
“You don’t knock on the beaded curtain.”
*
@Luneowl:
“Maybe you should stop making cars out of C4 and flash paper!”
*
@No_Request:
“I WILL call Wayne Brady.”
*
@theinsomniakid:
“‘Sex Prisoner’ is the name of my early-era Nine Inch Nails cover band.”
**
Random, Collective, or Unattributed due to poor notetaking:
*
@MrArcys: “Ray, if you ever start a record company you need to call it ‘Fueled by Semen’.”
@BadServo: “It’s Semensational!”
@MrArcys: “Are we watching the mating sequence of the Jesus orb?”
@jonnyace: “‘Mating Sequence of the Jesus Orb’ is the name of my Creed cover band.”
@BadServo: “He’s a nice guy. Dumber than a bag of wet mice, but nice.”
@No_Request: “Are wet mice dumber than dry mice?”
@BadServo: “They are after they’ve been floating in a bag for a couple of hours!”
@jonnyace: “Why does he keep using just those two fingers for everything?”
@Luneowl: “That’s what SHE said.”
**
Drinks: ALL the drinks.
Number of occurrences of Joe Piscopo: 0 (but plenty of cops, so we were upset)
Number of occurrences of George Takei: 0
Number of occurrences of Charlie Sheen: 1
Number of times ‘Power’ played: 1
Number of self-referential inside jokes: See number of Jesus Orbs
Number of attempted rapes: One, but it was a valiant attempt
Number of Netflix crashes: at least 3
Rating of the evening on the Hotpants Scale: Very eighties, but still not enough hotpants
A shorter evening, but a funny one nonetheless. Tune in again next week.
Cinemanauts Log 5
Hello humans! Another evening of amusement and drunkenness has gone by, so I’m here to give as full a report as I’m capable of giving, as I bowed out earlier than usual thanks to exhaustion (also thanks to a large amount of whiskey, my notetaking was less than stellar, but it’s worth it because I get to bring you the whiskeyface).
Anyhoo:
*
Appetizer: How It’s Made (2001), Season 1 Episode 12 - Aluminium Screw Caps, Chocolate, Pills and Pasta
Movie: Ninja Cheerleaders (2008), 81 mins
Dessert/Burning Sensation: Queen’s Blade, The Exiled Virgin, Volume 3, Episode 1
Participants: @BadServo, @lilenrgzrbunny, @overlord_chin, @MrArcys, @katintheboots, @luneowl, @patrickcentral, @theinsomniakid, @no_request, @jonnyace, @justchristine
*
Memorable out of context quotes, attributed as best remembered:
*
@MrArcys:
“I should know, I’ve masturbated to that video before.”
“Coitus is Magic!”
“My boner is confused!”
“I’ll pay HER to go to Brown.”
“Meanwhile, in Pallet Town…”
“I CAN HAS TITTY.”
“Her tits are over 9000!”
*
@patrickcentral:
“Engage science!”
“I appreciate your sophistication, Canadian Robot.”
“You can see the stars in his liver spots.”
“Whoever did the music for this movie was mistaken for White Zombie by an old shopkeep.”
“I never thought I’d find a movie where my review would be ‘well, it’s no Bitch Slap, but-“
“I’m taking you in. The charge is ‘unfilled vagina’.”
“Oh my god, she needs an entire table for her tits.”
“She’s got her hands on her hops like she’s a Waffle House waitress.”
“Naked is being naked. Nekkid is being Naked but having fun.”
*
@theinsomniakid:
“Whiskified and sleep deprived.”
“I’m not addicted, I just really fucking need my pills!”
“Ninjas… why’d it have to be ninjas?”
“hashtag vaderno.”
“Every time she talks all I hear is “I want someone to shove a cock in my mouth!”
*
@BadServo:
“It was mutant vampire zombies from the hood, my bad.”
“Absence makes the fanfic wander.”
“She’s not even the redhead Gotham deserves!”
“He’s like ‘I got enough candy in my windowless van to get us all the way to Mexico’.”
“Did Takei just give his box to another man?”
“I’ma hang back and put ‘em on the stoll, Takei style.”
“You just gotta walk in all Robocop and be like ‘Bitches, leave’.”
“All I’m hearing is ‘wah wah wah my pussy hurts’.”
“I hate it when I get my internet memes all mixed up and I’m like ‘Tits or it didn’t happen’.”
*
@no_request:
“I can’t believe it’s not Katana!”
“Stop looking at my mustache, I’m up here!”
“I call it ‘Tits Bizarre’.”
“Her special power is she absorbs the tits around her.”
“Now come here and let my boobs eat you.”
*
@lilenrgzrbunny:
“It’s not the hooker bus, it’s not big enough.”
*
@katintheboots:
“Leave Louis Armstrong out of this! He deserves better than this!”
“At this point I’m thinking ‘brown’ is an orifice.”
“Do you have naked nipple power?”
*
@JustChristine:
“When did this turn into Highlander?”
*
@jonnyace:
“I always come through the computer.”
“I just stood there in gold shorts and didn’t do much.”
“My nickname for this show is ‘Tits and Weird Shit’.”
*
Random, Collective, or unattributed due to poor notetaking:
“Hey girls, wanna earn your ‘anal raping with a hose’ merit badge?”
@theinsomniakid: “Right, not-Miyagi.”
@patrickcentral: “I can’t believe it’s not Miyagi!”
“Takei!”
*
Drinks: If it’s alcoholic, we be drankin’ it.
Number of occurrences of Joe Piscopo: 0 (but a few close calls)
Number of occurrences of George Takei: 1
Number of times ‘Power’ played: 1
Number of self-referential inside jokes: Not enough room on the hooker bus
Number of attempted rapes: A few, but they were countered by cheerleading ninja stripping moves
Ranking of the evening on the hotpants scale: Too many bitches, not enough Takei.
That’s our show! Tune in next week with me, theinsomniakid, and the rest of the rabble.
Cinemanauts Log 4
Happy Sunday everyone! Last night was another joyful round of mayhem, liquor and offensive jokes, so here’s your weekly Cinemanauts update!
Movie #1: Battle Beyond the Stars (1980), 102 mins
Movie #2: Dragonquest (2009), 88 mins
Participants: @BadServo, @MrArcys, @Luneowl, @patrickcentral, @LockeCole117, @theinsomniakid, @katintheboots
Memorable out of context quotes, attributed as best remembered:
@theinsomniakid:
“If we were playing the Star Wars imitations drinking game I’d be dead by now.”
“Space Quesadilla is the name of my new Mariachi band.”
*
@BadServo:
“The way I figure it, Hobbiton’s gotta be south of Biloxi.”
“That’s not a planet, that’s a spaceship, dingleberry!”
“Well, it wasn’t a rape laser.”
“Most of the things I find attractive in a woman are genetic defects.”
“Come here, robo-Hodgman.”
“You might have noticed our stylish headgear! Wait ‘til we get our Hanes on you.”
“I always use that line on my first dates: ‘You are approved for procreation.”
“Are they warming themselves around the midgets?”
“I bet this movie is what’s happening in Skrillex’s head all day long.”
“I feel confident that her ‘airbags’ saved her.”
“I know you’re fucking disappointed in me Lord Druid Gaywad.”
“Red Sun at dawn, let’s GET IT ON!”
“Is one of the Boyz II Men a knight back there?”
“Beware the Riders of Rohan, for they request 500 brown M&Ms.”
“And what’s weird is that Ron Perlman has been played by Jeremy Irons for YEARS.”
“So long hosers. I’m gonna hump this box of ashes ALL NIGHT LONG.”
“I didn’t know that dragons fought by bitchslapping each other with their faces.”
“I take up a lot of space, even in ethereal form.”
“I sorceled the HELL outta that guy.”
*
@Luneowl:
“It turned into a vampire and vanished!”
“Everything has nipples on it!”
“Aasimov’s been dead for years, who gives a shit?”
*
@patrickcentral:
“So the My Little Pony cannon worked its magic?”
“These are the eyebrows of a legendary curmudgeon.”
“70 percent of this set is milk crates.”
“What I’ve learned from this movie so far is that drugs are awesome.”
“Marcellus Wallace had that up his ass.”
“Callin’ it, smoke monster from Lost.”
“Just press ‘x’ when you stand next to it to start the Quicktime event.”
“Man, that’s an un-luck dragon.”
“Take him to the stabbernacle!”
*
@MrArcys:
“This is Ballsack One, departing.”
“You ever been to a Klingon Penal Colony?”
“MORMONS. IN. SPAAAAAAACE.”
“Spaaaace Vaginaaaaa. Flying through spaaaaaace.”
“Just the tip of the Jesus orb. Just the tip.”
“John Cleese better start narrating this shit or I’m OUT.”
*
@katintheboots:
“Meanwhile, back at the singing android factory.”
“The composer’s having more fun in this movie than anyone else.”
**
Random, collective, or unattributed due to poor notetaking:
“I am space prince Zuko!”
Luneowl: “Balls with nipples?”
patrickcentral: “It’s a sexually confusing ship.”
BadServo: “Would you like to scan my wind?”
Luneowl: “Is that a futuristic version of ‘pull my finger’?”
MrArcys: “Robo-Hodgman is a Mac.”
BadServo: Yeah, he gets SO much pussy.”
“The themesong is the best part of this movie.”
“Who isn’t DTSC?” (Down To Sean Connery)
MrArcys: “This sword has the magical power of defending against CGI!”
BadServo: “It cuts through 1s and 0s like butter.”
(those of you keeping score, if you ever notice a quote that has been misattributed, butchered horribly or confused, drop me a line somewhere and I’ll fix it. All notes are taken by hand and while horribly intoxicated).
**
Drinks: Rum, whiskey, beer, all the usual suspects.
Number of occurrences of Joe Piscopo: 0
Number of occurrences of George Takei: 0
Number of times ‘Power’ played: 0
Number of Star Wars references: Too many to count
Number of self-referential inside jokes: Megaweapon
Number of attempted rapes: Again surprisingly few
Ranking of the Evening on the Hotpants Scale: We require more hotpants.
That’s our update for the week. Those of you who like this silliness, the Cinemanauts have given in to the Great Blue Satan and have a page on Facebook! Follow this link here and ‘like’ us, and we shall provide you with updates and amusement through even MORE social networking avenues!
Thanks for reading! I’m your host, theinsomniakid. See you next week.
Cinemanauts Log 3
Greetings Earthlings! A small update here at Cinemanauts, as last night was a fairly calm and low-key affair for us due the exhaustion and insanity of the previous week. Regardless, I bring you a brief sum-up:
Appetizer: How It’s Made Episode 2: Compact Discs, Mozzarella cheese, Panty hose and florescent lightbulbs
Movie: Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 94 minutes.
Dessert/Aftershock: Queen’s Blade, The Exiled Virgin, Volume 2 Episodes 2 and 3
Participants: @BadServo, @patrickcentral, @MrArcys, @Luneowl, @theinsomniakid, @No_Request, @jonnyace, @justchristine, @razztag, Meaghan (whose twitter handle I have not been made aware of yet)
Memorable out of context quotes, attributed as best remembered:
BadServo:
“Help us machine Jesus!”
“Serpentine Cheese Log.”
“‘The Bourbon Hole’: Where Everybody Knows Your Shame.”
“The Go-Go Power Rangers.”
“We’re here visiting with team spunky at the Miracle Center!”
“You guys don’t understand, I grew up when boogaloos were powered manually.”
*
patrickcentral:
“I’m trapped in the box of your retardation.”
“The little wizard pops precisely when it means to.”
“Power of Dance can’t do shit against a hydraulic bulldozer.”
“Elves go commando. It’s a racial ability.”
*
theinsomniakid:
“Extremely short and simple? Sounds like my ex-boyfriend.”
*
Luneowl:
“A human sound-ipede.”
“Nobody expects the Miami Sound Machine!”
*
JustChristine:
“If you listen to the lyrics, it’s telling you what’s happening in the movie! That’s my favourite kind of movie song!”
*
razztag:
“Pika-pika-pika-pika-penis.”
“It’s late, and … rum.”
*
Random, collective or unattributed due to poor notetaking:
theinsomniakid: “Did you just squee at a vat of cream?”
BadServo: “Maybe.”
No_Request: “Once a year the cheese swims upstream.”
BadServo: “To the fertile spawning grounds.”
BadServo [singing]: “Cunt-Pockets!”
patrickcentral: “This one’s gonorrhea flavoured!”
MrArcys: “It’ll only work if someone self-immolates themselves.”
theinsomniakid: “… as opposed to self-immolating… someone else?”
[Laughter]
MrArcys: “Fuck you guys.”
Drinks: Rum. Lots of rum.
Number of occurrences of Joe Piscopo: 0 (Where IS he?)
Number of occurrences of George Takei: 0
Number of times ‘Power’ played: 0
Number of references to circle jerks: ask @jonnyace
Number of self-referential inside jokes: Acid Tits
Number of attempted rapes: Surprisingly few
Number of Ghostbusters references: 2
Ranking of the Evening on the Hot Pants Scale: Need to be more hot, less parachute.
That’s our show. Tune in again next week for more mayhem and insanity, with hopefully a little less eighties fashion.
A Cinemanauts Juicy Nugget from 1/28. Jon runs to the 7/11, and we play a little trick on him.
Another dose of amusement and insanity from your Friendly Neighborhood Cinemanauts.
Cinemanauts Log 2
Because I’m a sad sack of a human being, I’ve missed two weeks of updates! I apologize profusely, promise to be better, and humbly offer you the exploits of the Cinemanauts on the evening of Saturday, February 4th 2012:
Movie: Fist of the North Star (1995), 92 mins.
Dessert/Aftershock: Queen’s Blade, The Exiled Virgin, Volume 2 Episode 1: Resurrected Curse - The Ancient Princess
Participants: @BadServo, @patrickcentral, @MrArcys, @Luneowl, @theinsomniakid, @No_Request, @Lokiale
Memorable out of context quotes, attributed as best remembered - Movie:
BadServo:
“You’re assembling a Brodello!”
“You know what ‘el tigre’ means? ‘The Tigre’.”
“In the Voltron of sandwiches, I’ll form the bread!”
“Companion cubes HATE this guy.”
“Sweetie, it’s been five years, that monkey is NEVER popping out.”
“That’s his bro sense, he can detect a vulnerable girl.”
“My god, it’s a Nine Inch Nails Video.”
“Looks like she had her fucks vaccine, because not a one was given.”
“I want to buy some blue glow-in-the-dark condoms so when I’m in the bedroom and she asks me why I can say ‘it glows when orcs are about’.”
“You are in SO much trouble right now, come back to Papa Rapist.”
“Did you go on a Smuckers bender or what?”
“Potato Pirates are what the Irish call weevils or something.”
MrArcys:
“Just email it to ‘klingon bumfluff at patrickcentral dot com.”
“Asian Liv Tyler?!”
“Only her tears can water my seed.”
“We’re Catholics, we can’t spill the seed on the floor!”
“Don’t get your Southern Cross in my North Star!”
“Man, I could go for a brodello and cheese sandwich.”
Lokiale:
“I prefer ‘cadre’ of 19 to 24 year olds.”
“It’s important to be safe, even when you’re post-apocalyptic Jesus.”
“This is the worst carnival ride.”
“My nipples, they’re exploding raspberries!”
patrickcentral:
“It’s queer eye for the post-apocalyptic straight guy!”
“Rufio has two settings: fellate and prance.”
“All right, when does the Queen start playing?”
Random, collective or unattributed due to poor notetaking:
No_Request: “All right, I’ll give you back your vision, but no more touching yourself down there.”
Lokiale: “Yeah, no more organ grinding for you.”
“Ru-fi-nooooooooooooo.”
“Zombie McDowell.”
“She said it, don’t touch me!”
“When did this turn into Riverdance?”
Movie: “Who did this to you?”
patrickcentral: “It was the Grimace.”
BadServo: “Ronald stood there on the corner, and he just watched.”
BadServo: “They call him The Sheath.”
Lokiale: “But only once.”
BadServo: “Nah, they called him that a lot in college, but for different reasons.”
BadServo: “After this I’m gonna show your woman my peanut butter semen. It sticks to the ribs.”
Lokiale: “Or the roof of your mouth?”
BadServo: “That too.”
MrArcys: “It melts in your mouth, AND in your hand!”
Dessert/Catastrophe: Out of Context Quotes:
BadServo:
“They’ve discovered the Higgs-Bosom.”
“‘Why do sandstorms have auras mommy-’ ‘shut up and watch your Queen’s Blade’.”
“Nip slip? More like nip TRIP.”
“It’s not like I was like ‘fuzzy koala fight’ and then ‘TITS’.
“Know what you call a homeless frat boy? A BroBo.”
“’No one lives forever’. That’s the Oingo Boingo song I want to be murdered to.”
MrArcys:
“Let’s see what’s behind door number two, HEY, it’s boners.”
“If you kiss the frog it turns into a boner!”
patrickcentral:
“It all ties together if you understand the buddhist mythology of rape frog.”
Various, unattributed and sundry:
“Shutup shutup shutup.” - Everyone.
patrickcentral: “Wax the Orb’ is the name of my Madonna cover band.”
BadServo: “I figured it’d be the name of your Wham cover band.”
“The only thing I can detect accurately is STDs!”
“Specter? I barely knew her!”
“They’re best friends forever!”
Drinks: the last of the wine, vodka, The Kraken, and the rest of the usual suspects.
Number of occurrences of Joe Piscopo: 0
Number of occurrences of George Takei: 0 (but plenty of ‘Takei!’)
Number of times ‘Power’ played: 1
Number of Netflix crashes: 2
Number of self-referential inside jokes: Don’t touch me!
Number of attempted rapes: We lost count. Again.
Amount of unnecessary Rufio: Too high.
Ranking of the evening on the HotPants scale: Needs More Hot Pants
That’s our recap. Tune in again next week (I promise this time, I really do) for another rendition of the Cinemanaut Chronicles, with your host, theinsomniakid.
Cinemanaut’s Log 1
Our first entry! Here are the adventures of the Cinemanauts on January 7-8 2012:
Appetizer: Flash Gordon: Trip To Mars. Episode 7: Prisoner of Mongo
Movie: Oblivion (1994), 93 mins.
Participants: @BadServo, @patrickcentral, @MrArcys, @luneowl, @LockeCole117, @megsalltogether, @theinsomniakid, @PsychicPirate, @No_Request, @JustChristine (listening via livestream), @jonnyace (also listening via livestream)
Memorable out of context quotes, attributed as best remembered:
BadServo:
“Audrey’s in the bitch bucket tonight!”
“I guarantee someone’s tried to put their dick in that spout.”
“Patrick’s Danger Couch.”
“Was the cunt punch explicitly necessary?”
“I. am. a robot. My hairstyle. is. designed. to kill. boners.”
“Shit, ain’t nothing but a higgs-boson.”
“Rub yo’ asses in that puddin’.”
“This is gingivitis! It causes George Takei in your mouth!”
“Do not touch me. That is only an output.”
MrArcys:
“English white man, do you speak it?”
“Bourbon is the only thing that makes Big Bird feel any more. Big bird needs the sauce.”
luneowl:
“It’s two-pronged dick tuesday!”
“Nobody expects the shoulderpad inquisition!”
theinsomniakid:
“I used to be a gazebo, but then I took an arrow to the knee.”
Takei!
Random, collective, or unattributed due to poor notetaking:
“Casper the overly friendly ghost.”
“Shining beacon of manliness.”
“Flamethrower fleshlight.”
Badservo: “Wine makes a sleepy person.”
theinsomniakid: “Makes a sleepy person what?”
Badservo: “……… Megaweapon.”
Quotes from the movie:
“I’ve got hemorroids smarter than you!”
Beverages for the evening included wine, beer, vodka, rum, mulled honey wine, diet sierra mist and tea.
Number of occurrances of Joe Piscopo: 0
Number of occurrances of George Takei: 1
Number of times ‘Power’ played: 4
Number of netflix crashes: 3
Number of self-referential inside jokes: Pasquini
Ranking of the evening on the HotPants scale: ‘Oh My’.
Tune in again next week for another episode of The Cinemanaut Chronicles, I’m your host, theinsomniakid.
What to Expect
Tonight is the first Cinemanauts adventure of 2012. What to expect from this blog tomorrow:
- The movies we watched, and who is to blame who made the selection of said movies
- Participants during each feature, referred to most likely by twitter handle
- Memorable quotes, presented out of context
- Hotpants
- Tigrons
- Liquor selections
- Anything else I can think of to document the exploits of the Cinemanauts for my own amusement. *cackles*
A quick look back at the out of context joy that is Cinemanauts.
For those of you asking, ‘Just what IS Cinemanauts anyway?’
